Ramblings of a grrrl

Big plans

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 02:47:34 GMT

I've decided to sex up/ make my room less college like. Today I took down my gorgeous wall off sarongs, and put up even more beautiful pictures of girlies. Now I want to rearrange the furniture, actually I really am going for the less is more thing. The problem is I have a lot of stuff, so I'm officially looking for furniture that has doors. I thought this was going to be a wam bam thank you ma'm transition, however I believe now it's going piece by piece. I love, love, love my new wall though, I'll have to post my before and after pictures for sure.

just right

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 18:47:05 GMT

I was reading pixie's blog, http://pixiepie.wordpress.com/ and a certain part really caught my eye. The way a puzzle piece fits so perfect into that last slot right at the end. Or the beginning to I guess it really depends on your own viewpoint.

"He said that society pulls femininity out of a girl and makes her feel bad about being feminine. Submission to him is the same as being feminine…it is admitting that there is a stronger power, a person in your life that you defer to naturally."

just...

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 22:26:46 GMT

glass shattering

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 22:25:28 GMT

How easy is it to push the bad memories away. I mean really bury them to the point you can't even remember specific details. But then something in a book triggers something so deep and dark inside of you, and it all comes flooding back. It's a blend of memories coming together, some from the very beginning, and others from the completely fucked up middle. But the whole thing was fucked up. And the thing is I was completely manipulated and god I guess "groomed" into this person I didn't even know who the hell I was. I remember saying that too at the end I didn't even know the girl I was when I was with him. I was like a shell of myself slowly detaching myself from emotion each day as I stayed with him.

he emotionally and physicially beat the shit out of me 1:43 PM
but the thing is i still went back to him even after he punched me in the head when i was driving a car, i didn't press charges in fact 1:44 PM
after leaving him for a month i went back and went to court and said i wanted to work things out 1:44 PM
and when everything else was done and over with and the amount of physical shit he put me through and psychological I had no desire what so ever to turn him in because i just wanted it to be done , i didn't want to have to relive it or see him again. He was the last person I had a serious long term relationship with 1:45 PM
and this didn't even hit me until now reading this part and i'm glad I've figured out just what exactly is holding me back from persuing anything serious with anyone, because he was the first guy I did truly let in and he tried to destroy me. It's just a lot to take in.

That's what I just spilled out. Fuck I feel like I'm going to be haunted by this for the rest of my life. My guards always going to be up, and anything meaningful won't happen because I will be too scared of history repeating itself.

But I know I'm strong enough, and even now I'm still hesitant to submit this entry, but I'm going to because I do believe in myself. And in time I'll be able to trust and love someone, and it will be the right thing.

Honestly after all that I feel a lot better.

take it easy

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 07:03:27 GMT

I feel like I'm 8 again, when I got my tonsils out and had to stay in bed for days on end...I mean I was scared, more like terrified going into it, and of course a bit shaky in the chair. The whole procedure really was a blur, considering I went directly onto the nitrous. All of a sudden my mouth was numbish, I thought I was getting more shots and then the girl was telling me she was going to give me some oxygen for a couple minutes. See now I was thoroughly confused because the tooth wasn't out of my mouth yet right....

Wrong. After about 5 minutes of me trying to figure out just exactly what was going on she told me my tooth was already out. I still don't know if I passed out for a few minutes, or was actually just that damn high I didn't have a clue what was actually happening inside of my mouth.

A few things thoughts/observations since I've had this tooth of mine out...

- I can now open my mouth actually pretty wide.
- A great make shift heating vessel is a porcelan mug, heated in the oven for a bit because I
I don't own a microwave.
- Codeine makes me E-M-O-T-I-O-N-A-L.
- I still have the ability to watch a movie and not multi task like at all.
- You don't realize how much you really enjoy complicated food, or at least food that you have to chew a lot...until you can't have it.
- I can drive when I'm on Tylenol with codeine.
- I LOVE ice cream especially when I find that I have a bottle of chocolate syrup in my fridge.
- I'm looking forward to going back to work.
- Did I mention the emotional part...
- This is actually going by a lot quicker then I expected it would.
- My laptop has moments when it sounds like it's going to rocket off into space...and then it
gets quiet again.
- I really turn into a little girl when I'm sick or healing.
- I've been dreaming about sushi.

One more day so they say is actually the most uncomfortable. I hope I can be the exception and actually get to enjoy the day out and about, maybe, possibly. Or at least go see a movie outside of my bedroom.

beat

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 08:41:35 GMT

In a good way I guess. I like the fact I'm working more, I however am not fond of the fact it hurts to bend down on my knees. Not a good thing.

The boys drove me crazy tonight at work, sometimes I think I'm just to moody though.

Fuck it I need sleep.

away

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 07:37:27 GMT

I have these days where everything feels off. Like the way I talk to people or think they see me. And I could be paranoid, I'm not sure but I just really dislike this days. It makes me not want to talk to people.

It's an insecurity I need to break, I need to fucking conquer because I am proud of who I am today and what I've accomplished. I can do it, I just need to believe in myself more.

O.W.

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 20:16:28 GMT

Here are some quotes I found from Oscar Wilde on Women...

I am afraid that women appreciate cruelty, downright cruelty, more than anything else. They have wonderfully primitive instincts. We have emancipated them, but they remain slaves looking for their masters all the same.

The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to someone else, if she is plain.

Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.

Every woman is a rebel, and usually in wild revolt against herself.

There is only one real tragedy in a woman's life. The fact that the past is always her lover, and her future invariably her husband.

A woman will flirt with anyone in the world as long as other people are looking on.

Women, as some witty Frenchman once put it, inspire us with the desire to do masterpieces, and always prevent us from carrying them out.

There's nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It's a thing no married man knows anything about.

Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman – or the want of it in a man.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his.

Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.

smart blonde

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 04:16:16 GMT

less denial

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 07:13:16 GMT

"You know what it is, I want to feel like I'm a priority in someones life and not an option. When I get that I'll know i can completely give myself over"

I think when you've always been someone's option, at least for me i put myself in a "safe" zone where an actual important and emotional connection can't happen. And it's hard to let someone into my life that wants to make me a priority because it's a very new thing."

nough said

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 07:34:11 GMT

appreciate

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 07:02:09 GMT

I worked tonight this pretty awesome party actually offering food to hot ass surfers and skateboarders. Anyways it was fun. This really pretty girl came up to me and said,

" You are a very beautiful girl."

And I was blown away, like compliments like that especially from a girl. It made me feel good. Tonight definitely encouraged me to stick with working out.

I also saw a few people from the past, one I remember more clearly then the other. This happens a lot though, that whole de ja vu, I know I've met you before...

It was a good night, it's really special when I get compliment like that.

So fucking true

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 19:07:03 GMT

"Daddy will hold you when you cry, listen when you are upset, scold you when you are naughty and punish you when you are bad. When we kiss you will wish it could last forever."

~ MB

Just damn

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 22:23:58 GMT

Heath Ledger was found this afternoon dead in his apartment.

I am so shocked and sad, and sick to my stomach. It's not like I knew him obviously but he was one of my favorite actors, and now he's gone.

blue

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 21:36:24 GMT

I'm really not feeling to good right now. I have my suspicions of what's making me feel this way, but I don't have a remedy for it.

Some days I really hate this blog, because as much as I want to be unedited, I can't. And that's really fucked up.

I'll snap out of it soon.

I know one thing for sure I need to just let things roll of my back, and not take things so personally.

Big Day

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 18:29:58 GMT

Chargers and Patriots in 2 hours. My goodness I have been looking forward to this game all week. Honestly I don't even know what to expect, I just hope they fucking try with everything they have.

Enough football...

Last night was awesome! Seriously I love watching that band play. Hogue's was packed too, lots of under and over people. Plus the other bands were pretty cool as well. I don't think I stopped jumping or dancing until 4 Star was over, it was really high energy. And I was thinking to myself it really is a lot of driving, but it's worth it. I got to see a lot of my favorite people too! No pictures though because I forget eat dinner and lunch and got faded pretty quick.

I'm really liking this years resolution :).

Resolution

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 05:43:15 GMT

My one and only for the year...

No Rules.

I was told by a friend yesterday that shouldn't be too hard for me, but seriously it's my new motto.

In other news I saw on Oprah today the more sleep you get the less stress effects you, and also the healthier your skin looks. Love it, considering I am the queen of sleep.

Eric asked me today at work about Twin Oaks. He asked if I liked my job there, and I said I didn't like golf. He then asked if it was I didn't like golfers, and I said No I just don't like golf. He asked why, and I said I don't understand anyone who could chase a little white ball around trying to get it into a hole in less then three shots.

If I never have to talk about that damn sport I will be the happiest girl alive. I need to get a bumper sticker for my car...

GOLF.....So not MY Thing!

Or better yet a Card I can just hand out.

miss

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 07:29:57 GMT

This daily thing is more hard then it sounds.

Said from my iphone...

USC

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 04:41:54 GMT

What can I say at least I tried. I really want some ice cream. I also think this day was about my patience being tested...

Happy Birthday

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 08:15:11 GMT

To Doug! Yes tonight I arranged a little birthday party for Mr. Dougie Doug, including some bowling that actually was a lot of fun. It's awesome to have coworkers you actually want to hang out with, or should I say trust enough to hang out with. So yeah my bowling skills are um to say the least rusty...

1. I throw the ball.
2. My wrist twists as I throw the ball.
3. It is truly hit or miss.
4. I did however get two strikes tonight!
5. I have to work on a more fluid like movement.

Suprise Suprise

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 07:26:49 GMT

The Chargers beat the Colts today, in a game I was holding my breathe for more then half the time.

I watched the Sunset at the Beach.

And really was happy with today and night.

Official

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 18:01:20 GMT

As in Full Time Baby!

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intuition

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 06:12:19 GMT

You know how you have that feeling where if you go out it's not going to be a good time or should I say night? I'm having one of those gut feelings so instead of going and pretending to be all cheerful, happy, and remotely interested in talking with people I'm going to curl up in bed and watch a movie.

I've been trusting my instincts a lot lately and so far I haven't been wrong.

Catch me if you Can

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 07:48:08 GMT

I've been wanting to fly through the air since I can remember. Now that would sound a bit ambiguous but the title above says it all right. There was an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie tried it out but for some reason she couldn't let go off the bar to feel that free fall and catch the guys hands. But I want to do it, and I am going to do it. Ever since I was a little girl I've been fascinated with circus performers, (minus the clowns....I Hate clowns)anyways, I wanted to walk along the tight rope, and also fly in the air like the trapeze artists.

Now where is all of this coming from hmmm? I saw "Corteo" tonight by Cirque Des Souile in an actual tent. I can't even begin to talk about what I saw but any chance you get to see these amazing artists go, don't even stop to think just go.

Eye Contact

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 04:17:01 GMT

I have this really bad habit that I honestly didn't even realize I was still doing it till yesterday. I always try to look people direction in the eyes, and while they are talking, and I'm listening it's not a problem. However, when it's my turn to respond or talk I either look above their eyes even though I think I'm focusing on their eyes, or I look off to the side.

It's something I am working on especially since I was called out on it yesterday.